Bound To Fail

I look upon the night sky in the corner of the room, I think of you. Every night I wish that at least some of the many memories fade. I think of the memories that hunt me down to my core and put me to sleep. There weren’t enough pillows to cling on whenever the pain scourge under the sheets. There weren’t enough room to shout all the fears and anxieties that have been down kept for too long. And it only made the rest of the many more nights worse.

The walls have been built too high enough that even I can’t see through it. The walls were high enough that no one dare try to go beyond and break it. It was clear enough that whatever happened before, it made the barriers stiffer thus made my hope weaker.

Gone were the days of spontaneity, gone were the days of magic and happy endings, gone were the days of having faith, gone were the days of belief, gone were the days of optimism. The obscurity of everyday became a routine.  The skies were always cloudy and the rain never left. Every day is a trial. It feels like I always have to prove myself. 

I have always been on a place where I thought I felt safe. That place was our comfort zone, when there was still an “us”. I kept myself locked out from the many possibilities because I thought, I was safe beside you… until you changed. Until one day, you suddenly stopped caring. Until one day, everything that we built were gone. Everything about us were gone.

I try to convince myself to fight and grasp whatever is worthy on the outside. But I was always lost. I couldn’t keep track. I couldn’t fight the pain, the anger, the anxiety, the distrust. They already overpowered me. 

***End***

I am always amazed on how one's emotions and life experiences affect the thinking of a person. When I was in high school, I used to have a diary where I write my every day happenings. I wrote about the exchange of text messages that my high school crush and I had. I wrote about my hidden frustrations to my teachers (haha). I write about my feelings so I can unload them and it helped big time. (Also put me into trouble when my parents found where I keep it) 

Since then, I knew... what am I bound to be. I dreamt of publishing my own book someday. Paulo Coehlo, Gayle Forman, Mitch Albom are my inspirations. Actually there were many of them but these three are my favorites. I know this is going to be a hard work. It's going to be a long road. But there is this one phrase I always live up to, "If you don't believe in yourself, who will?"

I know, someday... I'll have my own book, and this is the start.